In these posts I am going to share some common human experiences. These are taken from both my personal and professional experiences that touched me, maybe they touch you too.

Read on and see…

Some random thoughts from a recovering codependent

Boundaries

This is a word I hear a lot. Mostly about setting boundaries. Me too, I use it. It is a way of saying that I am going to change, and how I intend to do so. To react differently than I did before I was aware of how I could be hurt.

funny thing is that when I set, and act on a boundary, I no longer need it. It’s weird but now that I can, say ‘take no more crap’, I don’t get hurt when the crap happens. It’s like I’ve stepped back from that thing hurting me, simply by recognising it does and then not let myself be hurt by it anymore, by standing my ground for example.

And then, somehow I don’t seem to mind it….weird.

Bed Spring

He has been in recovery from addiction for a year.

He tells me he is fed up with himself because he keeps going over the same problems, same stuff every session.

It happens a lot. Its how we learn.

We seem to think that progress and learning in therapy is linear.

A straight line from ‘ messed up’ to ‘feeling ok’, A to B.

Its not like that.

Its a spiral, like a bed spring. We go around the same issues and problems, and each time we do we learn something.

we are bit wiser, bit stronger, bit more knowledgeable. Gradually we move upwards. Its our natural way to grow.

So have faith in the process.

War zone

It hurt. The missile struck its target.

Familiar pain. Churning stomach. Fear. Knocked down.

This time it’s different.

This time I remember to take care of myself.

I’m ‘here’ in the car with him, trapped and hurt.

I close my eyes and imagine a ‘there’. What would I want in ‘there’. What I need is in ‘there’.

..’there’ is my Dad giving me a hug and I know he loves me unconditionally.

I cry and return to the ‘here’ and now and still I feel crap so I go ‘there’ again and this time I’m with my supportive friends and my Dad. I’m back ‘here’ again.

I cry silently to myself. It’s a release. It helps. I’m learning to give myself what I need and to take care of myself.

Rules of conversation.

Some talking is acceptable. Some is not.

Learn the rules or face sarcastic put downs.

Acceptable is superficial chit chat, meaningless comments.

But not for long, there is an unspoken time limit…it’s short. Don’t exceed it or I will be punished. So I watch carefully to pick up the stop cue.

Expressing how I feel and what I want is not acceptable, except when he says it is as he is in the mood to pretend to listen. Don’t be fooled by this. It never lasts, it never is remembered.

So I stay on guard in case I get caught for I know I shall get hurt.

Emotional Punchbag

He’s getting tense.

Storm is coming.

Careful what I say and do. I could trigger it.

Anytime now so I guess it does not matter. I carry on pretending it’s normal but inside I’m falling apart and scared.

And it happens..

I’m almost glad as the waiting is over.

Here comes the punch. It hits, right on target. It hurts. I’m down.

But now I’m angry. So angry and scared.

Fear of being punished for saying anything.words as weapons, hate like vomit being projected from my mouth.

And it’s not him I care about. He’s long since lost the right to defence. It’s me.

What am I turning into, how have I let myself become like this..

I need help to stop this Dance of Anger.
Honesty

She can’t be honest.

I know now.

It’s the loss of control, or lack of as when you are honest you have little control.

Can’t be honest…I mean honest to say how she really feels. No dressing up or justification.

Because if she keep feelings to herself she can’t help but hide and present a false front. Yet the advantage is that she can choose whatever front or mask she wants because it’s all an act. And she can manipulate people to give her what she wants – approval, admiration, or avoid conflict.

Honesty isn’t a mask or front so honesty means risk..

It means risking how the other person the choice.

Of how they are going to react.

You are not manipulating them into being what you want them to be, you are saying ‘this is how I feel and how you react is your choice’.

They could reject you. Or not.

Honesty is scary.

Rules of Engagement

Reactions are conditioned and within acceptable guidelines.

Ultimately to maintain his position of ‘no blame’.

Words are meaningless except when used as ammunition.

Then they are carefully selected, aimed directly at the soft spot and executed.

All under the justification of rightful self expression.

I can say what I want and if I get hurt, that’s my fault.

And then of course its my problem, something is wrong with me.

I tried to bubble wrap. Mentally protect myself but it didn’t work.

It’s just another form of imprisonment.

My options are feeling imprisoned or scared.

Resentment

She resents him now.
What is resentment?
It’s anger but not the kind you can ‘have out and clear the air’.
It’s been accumulating for ages now.
And it can’t be forgiven. It can’t be let go of, it keeps being added to.
Resentment…
And then there’s the guilt. Feeling bad for feeling resentful, like its something she should get over, but she can’t.
Because underneath resentment is a demand.
Until she knows her demand, what she wants to say, she is stuck.
Until she expresses her demand….’stop hurting me’ she stays resentful.

Depression

Signs of depression
Have I got depression, am I depressed, I ask myself?
I did a mental check of my internal state, not a regular thing I do I may add.
No clear answers there, not much there at all. What feelings?
I checked online, researched website after website to find an answer.
To find a magic solution..a few sentences that tell me what is wrong with me and more importantly, how to make it go away..FAST.
No magic solution there.
I hate feeling like this, numb. I have no energy, no desires, no needs.
I just want to curl up and stay like that until it passes, will it pass I wonder?
I am blocked. Full of negative thoughts sometimes, mental gymnastics I call it.
Sometimes it’s like I’m doing 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, my head drives me nuts.
Sometimes there is nothing, just an emptiness in my head which scares me the most.
Can I feel? Do I feel? What do I want?

Am I depressed?
I still don’t know. But what I do know is that I can’t make this better. It’s beyond my ability and control to fix myself. I need help, I surrender. I need someone to talk to..
Why talk?
Ok so I decided to go and talk to someone trained in therapy or counselling.
So what it’s the point I wonder?
Can they fix me?

How can talking be useful?

Decompression……not the type you have to go through when you have been diving in deep water, buy its kind of similar. Except you use words to release..

You see, some folks who know a lot about depression, reckon that it occurs when you have a lot of unreleased emotion as in e-motion and it blocks you, or numbs you.
So, it seems to make sense to release this build up. How do you start this release?
Talking…yes, opening your mouth and letting stuff come up and out.
It doesn’t matter too much What you say at first either because your real inner self knows it’s not the exact words but rather it’s the relief of so doing.
It’s a start, it helps..

Express or depress – your choice

What is depression?

Just as everyone is an individual so depression is an individual experience – mostly.

There are however, some similar characteristics, if you look deeply
One such characteristic is expectation
I mean the images in our heads; call them dreams, visions, goals, targets, whatever word fits..
You see no matter how unaware of them we all carry pictures in our heads of what we want to happen.
It can be about the kind of work we want, or the kind of person we want to be or the kind of person we want to live with….all images, all expectations.
Real life often fails to meet our expectations and we can feel sad, disappointed, angry…
And sometimes if our expectations fail a lot, on all levels, things can get pretty hopeless and we shut down,
And we can get depressed. And we get into our box and pull the lid down tight.
We often need someone on the outside to help us open our box.

Jelly walls

We can sit feeling helpless and defeated and hopeless in the middle of our box, our depression.

…all around us are walls, trapped inside, no door out, so we sit immobilised

But maybe, just maybe if we can summon the energy, we can push against the wall

and find that they are not solid but made of jelly, and we can pass through.

Sometimes we need help to believe this in this jelly.

Anxiety
When I feel anxious I feel scared.
But not that scared, like I’m in mortal danger, more like an ‘everyday’ scared.
Like I’m going to have to perform.
It’s stage fright kind of scared.
Like I’m rehearsing, preparing mentally for ‘something that may happen’.
And my anxiety is the ‘gap’ between the ‘now’ and ‘then’.
Will I get it right? Will I be ok?
It’s the fear of being on stage and not being able to perform as I want to…
Anxiety …… Stage fright

Bee Hive

Don’t poke the bee hive…

He is like a bee hive with lots of busy bees buzzing around in his head.

And if she says the wrong thing the bees will come out and  she will be stung.

So she just agrees with him. Its easier. Its not controlling, its accepting that she needs to protect herself as she cannot survive a bee attack.

Eventually she knows the bees will get so mad they will package themselves up and swarm away, and joy, leave her alone.

Why interfere?

Like she says, Don’t poke the bee hive.

Gardening and Housework

Both similar yet different.

One is inside, one is outside. Both need work to keep them looking good.

Both give me the opportunity to get busy and tidy things up so that they will look perfectly in order, tidy, everything in its place behaving how it should.

It won’t last, I know.

Yet I still do it, every day I work and every day it gets messed up..

because, you see, when its done, for that split second I can look around and feel inside that I can control something. I think, if I can control the outside stuff then I can control my inside stuff.

Course its an illusion, but just for a moment, a split second before it gets messed up, I can feel like I have control.